Ever wonder why your inner critic is so loud? She serves a purpose too..
That purpose is often MOTIVATION for CHANGE.
She’s actually trying to help you meet your goals, she’s just going around the wrong way to do it.
For me, that internal voice was always so punishing, harsh and critical. I realised that she was the ONLY solid internal motivation I actually had towards my goals
And I needed her because I couldn’t understand how to get there otherwise.
Sure, I could get myself there using myself like a punching bag. I could be frustrated and pushing and harsh and get myself there..
But that is a horrible way to live..
Creating your own anxiety..
Never measuring up to your own standards of perfection.
What you must shift is to first recognise that none of this is actually the voice of you – your authentic self. It’s the voice of a version of you who is covering for a part of you still in survival mode.. a part of you that NEEDS THIS.
That NEEDS you to reach that goal so she can feel significant, so she can feel seen and heard and valued. So she can feel safe.
Once these deeper needs are taken care of.. your inner critic doesn’t need to be beating on you all the time. She gets to take a break, and only clocks on when a need isn’t being met.
And then she just becomes an alert system for you to notice, “wow, I’m being so harsh with myself today.. what’s actually going on for me?”
Inner critic as an alert system is a far better role for her than as a motivational coach
I know you’ve tried all sorts of things for your anxiety and inner critic, and this is a way that actually WORKS.
You don’t have to live from a place of self-beating and shame. You can live with a more relaxed and fun internal world while being free to be your most authentic and impactful self.
A woman of high influence, standards and contribution cannot:
A) HIDE behind boundaries (lack of self-trust) AND B) IGNORE them (being nice)
Here’s why:
A dog in protection-mode (fight/flight – sympathetic nervous system response) gives no warning.
It explodes and attacks.
It is reactive.
And purely reacting on its natural instinct based on the state of its nervous-system.
Alot of pent-up energy
0-100 miles/hour in 10 seconds.
A great dog, however, has controlled aggression.
It releases a warning growl and perhaps bares its teeth to let the intruder know it is trespassing on what it considers its territory.
This growl is communication, not reactivity.
it comes from a more centred place. A less reactive place. A regulated nervous system and a healthy stress response.
This growl is communication that you have crossed or are about to cross a line..
A line that enters my territory (an area of my dominion, where I am the leader/authority – this is my Personal Sovereignty)
And it’s this communication that offers the intruder an opportunity to respect that dominion, or to openly challenge that dominion.
>>> The dog isn’t trusting the warning growl to keep it safe. <<<
The dog is ready and willing to use what is necessary to enforce that dominion.
And this is where we must see the limits of our boundaries.
She who trusts in boundaries (communication) to keep her safe will keep herself in a sympathetic nervous system response – an anxiety and hypervigilance.
Her anxiety is a sign that her nervous system is activated and that she deep down doesn’t feel safe.
She who ignores boundaries (communication) sets herself up for a lifetime of explosive reactivity. She takes it and takes it, until she can take it no more.. and out comes the lion ready to swiftly take down her prey.
She who trusts herself to communicate clearly and without reactivity and trusts herself to enforce her dominion can relax and be.
The reason we struggle with boundaries so much is because we often do not trust ourselves to enforce our dominion if needed, or we are subconsciously scared (even if we don’t consciously FEEL scared).
Enforcing our dominion looks like:
>> Clarifying or restating a boundary
>> Having a confrontational conversation
>> Releasing that person from relationship with us
>> Calling the police
>> Changing the locks
>> Stepping back from that relationship
>> Moving that person outside of our circle of trust (Meet the Fockers ha!)
>> Blocking or unfriending them
All of which can feel like a loss of love to deep places in our heart.
So what’s really going on for us when we struggle with boundaries and confrontation has nothing to do with our VOICE.
Your voice is perfect. It works.
You have access to a growl
You know how to growl
You can growl
But you’re either trusting too much in your growl
OR
You’re not growling enough
And you’re doing this because of deeper feelings of lack.. specifically around love and attention.
To be a woman of higher influence and impact you must be able to lead yourself and others well (you’ve heard it a million times)
But to do this on a practical level, you must be able to communicate when you feel your territory is being infringed upon
Or you will feel drained by the people around you
Wondering why your work or clients don’t light you up no’ mo’.
Feeling that drip, drip, drip of annoyance
But it’s time to take full ownership of it.. because YOU, my love have dominion here.
You get to have EXCITING client, partner and other relationships, without the guilt, without the anxiety sitting in your chest
You get to curate the world around you so it’s something that ENERGISES you
You get to light up with the world with your magic
And you get to GROW + EVOLVE in this as you step up into higher standards of being…
.. even when it challenges every fibre of your being.
The question becomes, HOW do I enter higher levels of self-trust, communication and Personal Sovereignty?
You become the version of you who is clear about her territory, and is willing to rise to enforce it.
You can be clear and kind
Sassy and firm
Fun and boundaried.
You know you can be her, that it’s all possible for you. And that unlocking her unlocks higher levels of contribution and positive influence in the world that you are designed for.
You’re not a “people pleaser” you’re a woman who has been conditioned to meet your core needs through others. There is no shame in this.
The People Pleaser label is so unhelpful, and it’s not WHO you are.
Nothing outside of God defines your identity or worth.
There is no shame in it, and it is more common than you might think. But to stay there, meeting your needs in this way does not serve you or others.
When we have been conditioned to seek others (or fawn to others) as a subconscious way of meeting our needs we may find ourselves –
Desiring to, but shying away from that next level of career, influence or business
Speaking about “safe” topics when you really desire to voice your opinions and be the authority
Blending in with your competitors because you’re focused on being nice rather than a leader.
Hitting upper limits in your business where you might not be able to put a finger on WHY exactly, but you have recurring feelings of guilt, greed, selfishness or “too muchness”
When you KNOW that this – this “people pleaser” identity – is not who you are..
You KNOW you’re capable of so much more – to be more, do more, create more, hold more, have more
To tap into the potency and potential ALREADY FLOWING through your veins
To truly UNLEASH as the potent leader you are born to be
Using your magic to make the contribution you are born for
And feeling energised, excited, lit up and ON FIRE to do this work.
The question becomes – how do I break away from the conditioning where I choose belonging over authenticity?
How do I create a bigger ripple of influence without letting what other people may do or say or think shrink me and my vision?
The answer is to detangle –
Thoughts, beliefs, feelings, physiology – from the Good Girl / Good Christian Girl identity so that the REAL you can shine through!
The faux version of you is nice and smiles when she doesn’t want to and says things she doesn’t mean just to get someone on side
The real version of you is potent and powerful, and is focused on her purpose, not what others think of her
Desiring to, but shying away from that next level of career, influence or business