I’m so disillusioned with church at the moment..
This is not a feeling that’s with me all the time, and it’s also not something I’m unfamiliar with – as someone who has personally walked through religious abuse in many scenarios from family to church.
Last year – I had to report an elderly man to church leadership for attempting to groom me..
It being handled with beautiful clarity, calm, wisdom, dignity and grace by most of hte leadership.. (a very healing experience for me)
(And then cold dismissiveness by ONE)
And then watching over and over – as abuse is being exposed in churches and “christians” again and again.
Feeling the extent of it
Feeling the deep heavy weight of the denial, of those who do not want to look at it, talk about it
Of those who want to pretend it does not exist..
Of those who need more “evidence” for things already clearly seen and known
Of those the Holy Spirit would reveal to them as darkness if they would only ask and walk with him.
If they would only seek wise counsel and not the kind that “circles the wagons” of what and who is most familiar.
And then we come to this week..
When on Facebook a few days ago I accidentally stumbled on a video, recognising the man featured – a self-proclaimed “prophet”
A man who not only attends the church I have, but has been platformed there before. Who I have met before..
After watching the 5.5 hour expose/confrontation on YouTube – where he was accused of data mining, lying, and extensive cover up of his actions
Where other senior leaders around him were also covering up for him… enabling him..
Those who cannot SEE because of their own bias, own ego
Those who enabled and continue to enable him by platforming him
Or those who “don’t have time” to watch the full expose / confrontation to view all the evidence of abuser – but will sit down to watch hours of Netflix every night..
It has been a long season of feeling sick to my stomach about the darkness hiding in church.
But here’s the thing:
I still believe in her..
I still love her..
I still believe there’s alot of good in her
I still believe she’s capable of meaningful, impactful change
Of up-levelling discernment, wisdom (particularly around who is allowed to be platformed)
Of becoming more trauma-informed
Of becoming more spiritually discerning and aware
Of becoming more protective of the sheep
Of valuing truth tellers
Of knowing that such darkness does exist
That it will abuse without remorse
That it will lie to your face
That it will cover it up
And that it will exploit your weaknesses and ego as a leader to enable it.
I am writing about it..
Not because I need your sympathy or concern..
Not because I’m bitter and aggressive
Not because I hate the church
Not because I see church leadership as “bad”
But because I want you to know, that if you feel disillusioned with church at times, you’re not alone.
This weight was never ours to carry..
And I’m carrying it straight into the arms of the One who has the capacity to hold it
The One who brings true, deep, lasting healing and transformation to church as we know it
And I’m leaving it there..
.. so that emotionally, it’s not something that’s weighing me down anymore
And I’m FREE to focus on what’s truly important: people, purpose and communion with the King.
Oh God – continue to shine your light and expose and cleanse them, and us, and me.
LS x
