It all sounds so terribly easy doesn’t it to just stop caring what others think of you and to just be your authentic self, especially when we’re talking about business, and leadership being an authority showing up online being visible all the things. Today I’m talking about exactly how how to stop caring what other people think. So you can build the business of your dreams have the influence that you know you’re born for, and without those niggling criticisms, and expectations and things going on between your ears.
It wasn’t all that long ago that I really cared what people thought of me. I’m not someone that I’ve grown up and just had the natural ability to not care what other people think of me. And if you’re someone that’s listening to this, you might be the same or you might feel the same that it does feel challenging to kind of block out those voices, make the aligned decisions and authentic decisions that really work in with who you’re born to be and where you want to go.
It took time for me to understand exactly what was going on, untangle, and be able to do what I’m doing today and that speak to you. But I speak very openly, right? You guys all know that by now, if you are a regular listener, you’ll know I speak very openly, very honestly, I’m very direct, I say what it is that I really want to say. And so if you’re someone that you want to uplevel in your business, in your leadership in your influence, even if you don’t have a business, that’s okay, if you are someone that wants to do that, you want to launch a new podcast that speaks to really specific topics that are so alone to your heart, or you want to write a book, but it’s a book that you know, might receive a lot of backlash, or or you’re worried that it will receive backlash, you know, when it comes to those next level projects, doing a TED talk, for example. And we’re really showcasing who are really most authentic, and really the most vulnerable version of us is, that’s where this really comes up. And we begin to get those spinning of the wheels feelings because it’s like, we want all the things and we are taking action towards all the things.
But because we’re not addressing the root cause of why we care what others think of us, then we are limiting our own potential. We are not becoming who we want to be and who we were born to be. And that’s where we feel super frustrated. And so if you are they’re totally relatable. I have been there. I know how to get through it. And that’s exactly what I want to talk to you today about today.
So with the journey that I had to go on, I really had to untangle from, especially people from my past. And so I really had to I was concerned about what different people were thinking. Were going to think about what I had to say in my posts in my podcasts, what different people would think about if I kind of came out of the closet as a spiritual mentor, what different people would think if I, you know, said what I really wanted to say if I said my opinions on things, I hold strong opinions on things that I had not voiced up until the last few years.
So there were people from my past religious people, pastors, church communities, family members, friends, old friends, like all the things everybody that I could think of, I say secretly thought that I knew what their opinion was going to be, I knew what they were going to think I knew how they’re going to react, or at least I thought I knew how they were going to react.
So if you want to speak on more meaningful topics, but you find yourself shrinking back, this is for you. So whether you want to write a book, or start a new podcast, or just use your current podcast to speak on more, you know, specific topics that you know might be triggering for certain people. If you feel boxed in and frustrated, like limited, and it’s like, Ah, it’s kind of like you’re hulking up inside a box, and it’s like, oh, you’re ready to burst through break through, if you feel joined to the hip, with your phone with social media, because you’re checking on how your latest post went, and you’re worried what other people are going to comment or worried what they’re going to think or you feel like you have to post certain safe content content that you know is safe, that’s going to be liked, so that you get liked. So maybe you’re you’re either posting safe content, or you’re not being visible enough. So there’s those two kind of symptoms that can come up.
And so when we are in the place of caring what others think of us, and allowing, I really want you to hear my languaging around this, allowing those opinions to stifle us, that is in our ownership, it’s in our control, because we can never, we can never control what other people think of us, we can never control what their reactions going to be. So all that we do actually have ownership over is our ability to be able to become really resilient, to actually stop caring what others think of us or to downgrade it so that we don’t care as much.
That is what is within our power.
Because if we don’t, we are just internally dying. It’s like you feel it with every misaligned decision is this relatable with every misaligned decision every time you shrink back or every time you hold yourself back. And you know that you really wanted to push forward and go to the edge of your territory, and you really wanted to expand into new territory or expand the boundaries of where you normally go. As an influential person, as a leader. You feel that internally, it’s killing you because it’s like, I every time I do that I’m abandoning who I really am and what I really want. And so it ends up feeling really draining you feel boxed in you feel stifled. You feel like the Hulk in the box, it’s like, Ah, it’s just the frustration is building. And they end up feeling quite drained. Because it’s like, you’ve got all this energy, and you’re not pouring it where you want to pour it is this, who’s those relating to this right now.
You know, this is not who you are, you’re not someone who is normally bored, you’re not someone who is normally drained or lacking energy or, or feeling frustrated, you’re normally someone that is very motivated, and very, you know, dry, driven to get out there in the world. And just share your magic with the world and create a really positive, amazing contribution. So you might have built an amazing business, you might have huge levels of influence. 1000s have 10s of 1000s, hundreds of 1000s of people following you, it doesn’t matter how big an influence you have built. If it doesn’t feel like you, you’re going to feel those feelings, you’re going to feel those draining feelings those boards stifled.
However, this shows up for you in your world. It doesn’t matter how big and how amazing, and how amazing. The thing is that you’ve built, whether it’s influence on Instagram, whether it’s a business, it doesn’t matter how big and amazing that is. If it doesn’t matter how other people think it’s big and amazing. If you internally are feeling these feelings, then it all just starts to feel like like, why am I doing this? And then you end up going and searching for your why like the Simon Sinek you know, start with wired like, why am I doing this? I just need to find my why. And in reality, it’s actually not that you need to find your why it’s that you need to stop limiting yourself by caring what other people think of you so that you can be the most potent, influential, authentic version of you possible. Because it will get so frustrating very quickly if you’re sick of being tired to other people’s opinions and their criticisms or even just their expert dictation is the expectation of what to post and what to say. And other people have put you in a box and it feels frustrated when you stay, you choose to let those things box you in, and it just sucks the joy right out of life. And it really sucks a lot of motivation out of very usually motivated entrepreneurial people. Because it’s like, it’s not normal for us to lack motivation and like joy, but it just sucks it out of it. Because it’s like, I’m living life. Like,
It feels like you’re living a life that’s not even yours.
You know, it just doesn’t feel like you’re living, even your life and like there’s more available to you. And you want to tap into that and more. And you want to also teach and show your kids that they can tap into their more as well that they don’t have to stay small and shrink and be who everyone wants them to be. And so what normally happens is a few things that normally happen in this place, when we’re caring what other people think of us, we just sweep it under the rug, and we sold drama like yep, it’s going to change, you know, when I have that new marketing strategy, or when I have that new coach to kind of encourage and motivate me, or when I finally find my why, you know, then and so we set up all these rules, you know, then I’ll feel like this, then I’ll feel like that, but it’s not really truly getting to the root cause of what’s going on. And so it’s it’s just keeps his carrot dangling in front of you, you keep investing energy and time, and you keep building building building. But what for?
The other thing people do is to have the, this is a lot of time, coaches who don’t understand root cause and subconscious will say things like, just stop caring what other people think of you just post what it is that you want to post. And if this is I’m here to tell you if this is a pattern for you, if this is something that happens a lot, and you have already, My people are driven, they’ve already tried to resolve it, it’s not like you’re sitting there just like waiting for someone to come and rescue you. If this is happening. Often. It’s a deeply entrenched pattern that is going on that there’s a root cause it’s not just like, you have these feelings, and they’re coming from nowhere. But so many coaches and mentors will tell you that an act like that is the case. But what happens is once we resolve the root, then all of these collapses and moving beyond it is so much easier.
The other thing a lot of people try to do is reject their desires and wants, and they you know, pretend they don’t actually want to launch that book or podcast. And so they pretend they don’t have these desires, and they don’t want what they want. And that doesn’t work either. Because it’s still rejecting yourself, still rejecting what you truly, really, truly desire. And the other thing I find people get fine people do is that they try to find themselves. And they try to find themselves by getting photoshoots all the time, or they go out and they get a new wardrobe. And they try to find themselves as a way to try to be their authentic self. But because the problem isn’t that they need to find themselves, you know who you are already.
The problem is that you’re you’ve been conditioned to behave differently than yourself. That’s the problem. So you can get all the photoshoots and the wardrobes that you like, but it doesn’t change the conditioning. Once you change the conditioning, you can go and do all those things. And those things will just be a natural outworking of the internal transformation that’s already happened. We don’t use external things to cause internal transformation.
WHY YOU CARE WHAT OTHERS THINK OF YOU
So why this is happening is because you have that conditioning. And likely this is conditioning that has happened your whole life, but more specifically in your childhood. But this is this is something that all human beings are being conditioned on social media, by, you know, media, by all of the things that we consume, we are getting more and more and more conditioned to care what others think of us. And we’re getting more and more conditioned to abandon ourselves. Abandon what we want abandoned who we really are abandoned, what we really think what our real opinions are, what we really do stand for abandoned what we want, if I haven’t said that already, and we choose belonging we’ve been conditioned to choose belonging over authenticity. And so we pretend we actually stop pretending that this is Oh, I don’t actually want that or, Oh, that’s not really who I am or or I do agree with you. we soften, and we kind of shrink down. And we there’s contraction around it because there’s lack around the energy, there’s lack, because, deep down, that deep down cause the deep down fear and the deep down root is that we’re actually going to lose love. If we show up in the world as we who we truly are. Our brightest funnest, sparkliest, magical, most powerful self, our deepest fear is that we’re going to lose people and in that we’re losing love. So it ends up becoming a real survival program.
This is why I said, the root cause can’t be addressed with external things, because this is actually a survival thing.
It’s like we need humans need love, we need belonging. And so we actually have to decondition – it’s not about finding who we are, we know who we are. That’s not the problem, you know who you are.
The problem is that you need to decondition this belief system that if you Be who you were born to be, if you be who you are, then you’re going to lose love, you’re going to lose people.
And when you don’t know how to decondition, that when you don’t know what you’re doing, you know, you can pretend. And you can do form your mind, you’re just your conscious mind, you can try to change your behavior around this, you can start to think, oh, I actually just, I don’t care what others think of me. But that’s actually not truth that’s not living in alignment with truth, because it’s very normal, very human, to care what others think of us, it’s very human being trait. And so when we just put on the armour, the tough exterior of and you know, puff your chest out, I don’t care what others think of me up, you know. And when we doing that we’re actually living outside of truth. We’re living out of alignment with our authentic self, and we’re putting on a persona, an over protective persona that isn’t us. So it’s not enough just to tackle these from a conscious behavioural aspect of I’m just going to change my conditioning, I’m gonna change my behavior. Because this is oftentimes conditioned from early childhood, especially if you’ve been in religious communities. If you’ve got that good Christian girl conditioning, or the good girl conditioning that says I need to be this perfect of my version of myself to be loved to receive, to get the things that I want to be to belong, right, I have to be this perfect Christian girl, or good girl in order to receive belonging, and to protect myself basically. So we’ve had that persona and that conditioning. And if you want to learn more about that, you can listen to episode number seven, where I really do a deep dive on the go Christian go conditioning itself.
And so we often we stay in this place. And another reason why we stay in this place is because we deeply know what it means for us. If we were to change if we were to be the fully unleashed, potent, unapologetic, authentic, influential version of us, we know exactly who would leave our circles. We know the love that we would lose. We know the things that we think we know the things that people would say we think we know how they are going to react. We think we understand their expectations of us. And so that becomes another reason why we don’t actually ever leave this patterning because we’re so we’re trying so hard from our conscious mind, our behavior to change this when it’s not a behavior problem.
I’m also going to say that the whole world really doesn’t want you in your sovereignty. I’m just gonna say that. That’s a strong state statement. I know. But the whole world doesn’t want you in your sovereignty. There are very few people in our lives that can handle us at full potency at full authenticity without themselves getting triggered without getting offended. And the other part of this is that when we are in our sovereignty, we can’t easily be influenced. We can’t easily be redirected. We can’t easily be distracted. We can’t easily be manipulated. So that’s the definition of a really authentic leader is someone that cannot be influenced and swayed by the opinions, expectations and criticisms of others.
So instead of being someone who is easily influenced – when we uncover our personal sovereignty, when we finally step into that fully – then we become influential instead of being easily influenced, we receive followers, authentic followers, who love what we’re doing, and put what we’re putting out into the world, instead of following.
Instead of following other people and trying to kind of copy them or copy trends or stay up with whatever else is doing. We are fully in our own lane, and really become influential. And that is magnetic, because you are not going to blend in with your competitors anymore, you’re going to stand out as a voice as someone who uses their voice, who takes a stand. And I know that the people that follow me, they don’t agree with everything that I say. But I know that they respect that I say it that I take that I am brave enough to say it. And it’s only because I have done the internal work and stopped using those external Band Aid fixes to try to resolve this. And it’s so liberating, because you finally feel fully yourself, in your business, in your leadership or in your organization. online, you just feel liberated because you don’t feel like you have to show up, which is draining when you do so when you have to show up in a persona in a version of you that doesn’t really exist. I have to be really professional like you guys, by now you should know that I’m really, you know, laid back and just say what it is that I really want to say. But I used to put on a persona. And it was so draining for me to show up in online spaces and say what it is that I wanted to say because I had to marry what I wanted to say up with the persona that I thought everyone else expected me to be and it was so draining.
When you finally released this, you get to powerfully use your voice and take a stand for the things that matter most to you speak on the topics that matter most. And you just have so much joy and you’re magnetic, just by being you, just by being you and not showing up in the world with all these personas, all of a sudden you are more potent because you’re not being diluted down by all of the expectations and opinions that other people you think and believe other people have of you. And you just get to own your magic and just command what your expertise is worth owning your space taking up space. And just it’s liberating. I can’t think of another word, liberating, it’s so freeing. And so the way that we actually tackle this, the way that I did this, in my own world for myself, after years of I showed up online for years, you know, doing Facebook Lives, I was doing posts, I was doing webinars, I was getting asked on other people’s podcasts, all the things I was showing up in the world. And it’s not that you’re not showing up, it’s that the way that you’re showing up isn’t 100% authentic to you. And that’s why you end up feeling all those feelings that draining the boxed in the boredom.
So the pathway I call it the potent Queen pathway is to get from that good little girl or the good Christian girl to the become the potent, unapologetic queen who has the global and generational impact that she’s born for, not the global and generational impact that others want her to be and to have, but that what she is truly born for. So the way that we do this is that we pick firstly become the catalyst. And that is to become the woman the version of you that turns and faces it, that becomes the one that is willing to change the pattern to be the odd one out to be the leader to be the one who changes it. But also to be the one that’s the Pioneer, that actually maybe no one’s gone before you in this. This is new territory that’s been willing to become the catalyst. It’s been willing to individuate and untangle from the energy of others. This is the most crucial part because we have to really separate from that part of us that has been developed. We have to separate and understand that the version of us that we’ve been showing up as it’s not actually us and it there’s that’s so liberating in itself to when we actually understand how our psyches work, we understand that we do have parts of us that are over protecting us that are trying to keep loving our world that are trying to keep certain people in our world.
It’s so liberating, because once you actually individuate from that, and you get your needs met, that validation feeling that feeling that we get that buzz from having the validation, or even from that buzz that you get from being on Facebook, and having little red notification pop up, that buzz doesn’t have such a hold over us anymore. And so we, we learn how to actually, internally, internally, really validate ourselves. And a part of this is really understanding that if we are truly created by an external God, He designed you uniquely for a reason uniquely and amazingly, and you’re a masterpiece. And so really understanding and owning the value of that letting that sink in not just in your conscious mind, but really letting that soak into all of you into your body and into your subconscious mind. So that that really shifts the way that you show up in the world and reclaiming that God given person, personal sovereignty, reclaiming your space, so that you can fully and finally, unleash as who you were born to be who you were made to be. It’s such a really empowering journey. And I just want to say to you, if you if you’re in this place, and you have built a business of following, and it’s been around kind of a false version of you not that you’ve intentionally done that, like nobody intentionally does that. But if you know that you want to show up more fully as your authentic self and have influence from your authentic self feeling seen, feeling understood, feeling heard, then it’s really important that you take this journey, as scary as it may feel right now, the real fear that I always had was getting to the end of my life and living with regret. And knowing that I didn’t show up when I really wanted to show up or knowing that I didn’t show up how I wanted to show really show up, I didn’t reveal the parts of my heart to you guys that I really wanted to reveal, because I was so scared or that I had built up so much armor so much over protection. And so this is the journey the journey is in the becoming in the becoming a catalyst in individuating and untangling from the energy of others, and to really reclaim that personal sovereignty. If you’re getting those kind of like nervous, fluttery feelings in your tummy. And it’s feeling really exciting and next level aligned. And you would love to work together to develop a blueprint, a really specifically tailored blueprint for you to become the authentic version of you this step by step 90 Day strategy. I have a specific framework that I use around getting you the clarity that you need to be able to take those next steps to really expand and become her become the version of her. You already are her you’re not broken. You don’t need fixing. There’s nothing wrong with you. You’re ready to become her now because it’s like let’s throw off everything that you’re not. And step out in step by step form exactly how you’re going to do that.
Join me for the potent Blueprint Session. Click here to join me to schedule your potent Blueprint Session now. So you can work one on one with me in a really deeply immersive setting on this very thing. It’s so liberating, so exciting.